Sperm and Eggs is ‘Everything you always wanted to ask about sex but were afraid to know’. Read it and you will never look at life the same way again. Here is compelling proof that sperm and eggs are not just life’s ingredients but the cooks as well. ‘Attraction’ is the first volume in the series, Phase 1 of sperm and eggs’ agenda.
I'm a budding organic baboon farmer and fifth member of a Beatles tribute band.
I’m also a keen traveller and an adventurous eater. Consequently, I’ve been incontinent in five continents. I am a father and a swimmer, proof that the mankini supports but doesn’t restrict. Ideas-wise, I’m inspired mostly by the wit and invention of Woody Allen and Monty Python. Attaining an original voice and writing something that an audience hasn’t seen before are my aims. In my writing capacity, I was dubbed once, 'The Bard of Stratford, near Clapton.'
Best moments so far in 28 years of writing have been winning a national competition for best comedy short film and working on a sitcom idea with Andrew Gillman, director of The Day Today.
Pele, the most celebrated footballer of all times is distinguished now as the poster boy of Erectile Dysfunction. Members of the younger generation learning of his legend ask him in disbelief, ‘You mean you used to be good at keepie-up?’ Of course the adolescent male is at the opposite end of the erectile dysfunction spectrum i.e. where the dysfunctioning is synonymous with ‘overfunctioning’. He is set off by the slightest stimulus, subject to a hair trigger sensitivity comparable to the circuit break on the security lasers trained around the Louvre’s Mona Lisa. If this kind of dysfunctioning was to persist into maturity, men would find they could correct the wobble on pub tables by sitting at them at a strategic point, saving the need for jamming folded up beermats under one leg. It’s common to find in pubs nowadays A4 sheet Reserved sign printouts taped to tabletops displaying the reserver’s name and the time the table is required. Pubs could do the same with wobbly tables, plastering them instead with a page ripped from the Bathrooms section of the Kays Catalogue carrying the frosted glass doors in the shower units photos suggesting womanly nudity in silhouette. ‘Feel free to sit here in the meantime, ladies’ an accompanying reserve sign might say, and: ‘Ask for beermats at the bar.’
Sperm and Eggs (Attraction)
The ‘bogging off’ preoccupation is strongly rooted in the emerging adult male. As such, it is not very surprising that the freshly pubescent boy experiences not so much an awakening moment as a ‘military reveille’. He will suddenly and unexpectedly experience erections through a process that bypasses any cerebral thought input. Thus, a generation of adolescent boys will suddenly find itself stranded, jacking up school desks at jaunty angles when the bell rings for the end of lesson. Whilst their prolonged presence and focus of attention at first gives the impression of academic alacrity in class, the newly armed schoolboys will be, in truth, concentrating all their efforts into affecting detumescence.