Authorpreneur Dashboard – paul angliss
Sperm and Eggs (Attraction)
Humor & Entertainment
Sperm and Eggs is ‘Everything you always wanted to ask about sex but were afraid to know’. Read it and you will never look at life the same way again. Here is compelling proof that sperm and eggs are not just life’s ingredients but the cooks as well. ‘Attraction’ is the first volume in the series, Phase 1 of sperm and eggs’ agenda.
Book Bubbles from Sperm and Eggs (Attraction)
The Poster Boy of Erectile Dysfunction
Pele, the most celebrated footballer of all times is distinguished now as the poster boy of Erectile Dysfunction. Members of the younger generation learning of his legend ask him in disbelief, ‘You mean you used to be good at keepie-up?’ Of course the adolescent male is at the opposite end of the erectile dysfunction spectrum i.e. where the dysfunctioning is synonymous with ‘overfunctioning’. He is set off by the slightest stimulus, subject to a hair trigger sensitivity comparable to the circuit break on the security lasers trained around the Louvre’s Mona Lisa. If this kind of dysfunctioning was to persist into maturity, men would find they could correct the wobble on pub tables by sitting at them at a strategic point, saving the need for jamming folded up beermats under one leg. It’s common to find in pubs nowadays A4 sheet Reserved sign printouts taped to tabletops displaying the reserver’s name and the time the table is required. Pubs could do the same with wobbly tables, plastering them instead with a page ripped from the Bathrooms section of the Kays Catalogue carrying the frosted glass doors in the shower units photos suggesting womanly nudity in silhouette. ‘Feel free to sit here in the meantime, ladies’ an accompanying reserve sign might say, and: ‘Ask for beermats at the bar.’
Combatting Education with Disease
It’s said that education can combat disease, but it works for schoolchildren better the other way round. Ever since Victorian times, children have mistrusted the system. The three R’s. Let’s take a look at them. Arithmetic. Begins with an ‘A’; Writing. With a ‘W’; Reading. There you go, 1 R or 33 point 3 recurring of the educational syllabus beginning with R. And what’s the point of recurring? We learn about it, but how does it help in real life? You share a pie between three people. Each gets 33.3333etc percent of it. You’re going to be there all day trying to get the portions right especially with children and their perceived injustices: ‘S’not fair, he’s got more of the recurring fraction of Banoffee than me!’ Naturally, as referred to in this excerpt, we try avoiding school. We’re taught in GCSE Geography that the Germans mine coal in the Wuppertal Valley. Out in the work force, you ask a potential employer, ‘How much salary will you pay me to know about coalmining in the Wuppertal Valley?’ And in negotiating terms, ‘I’d like four weeks holiday as well.’ ‘How’s that going to work?’ asks the employer. ‘I won’t tell anyone about the location of German coalmining while on vacation. But if I do,’ you add, ‘I’ll claim the work as overtime.’
Anteaters or antshitters?
Talking here of slowness on the uptake, human beings need to process more information than any other fauna and therefore it is the species most entitled to become confused. Other animals merely have to think in their waking hours what to do next when their metaphorical gut fuel dial hovers around the red block bit labelled ‘E’. Anteaters are probably the most single-minded of all. They just get on with what their name suggests. They are the ultimate animal jobsworths, though technically anteaters could equally be named and defined as ‘antshitters’. Take Jesus’s dad, Joseph. Unable to look up the accommodation situation in Bethlehem on Travel Advisor because of the timing of things, he and Mary did essentially an Airbnb stable (in what probably would have achieved a scant one-star rating going on its description as a ‘lowly cattle shed’). Joseph was a carpenter, but some time-shift and one career rethink later we are to believe that he has aged considerably and become perpetually grizzled as Father Christmas. He has emigrated from Judea to Lapland as an economic migrant (presumably finding the market unfavourable in his homeland after his son has toppled it), armed with a business plan, a not-for-profit set-up inspired by three ‘data-rich’ men Deliveroo-ing gifts utilising a star GPS tracking system.
Pornography or Specialist Anatomy?
When a man is discovered by his partner studying or poring over pornography, he slams shut his laptop lid and explains urgently in a blurty ooh-ooh voice ‘I was doing research!’ He practises, rehearses endlessly for those moments when he is required to perform his conception chores, so when the time comes there is no fear of letting the side down. As the human male is required to be on standby, year round, he naturally needs to maintain a level of fitness training. However, the female partner often appears irked over why he has to tirelessly dedicate himself to what must be the most intensely researched subject, that of anatomy, with never the prospect it seems of any new developments in the field. Until recently. Anatomists now put stock in what they term ‘muscle memory’ where the muscle ‘remembers’ how to perform a constantly repeated task. ‘Look!’ men can say when his partner next stumbles upon his researching, ‘You walked in and the muscles immediately forgot what they were doing. It’s going down. I guess it’s true what they’re reporting. Out of all the body’s muscle groups, the penis muscles exhibit the poorest muscle memory. Look! - they’re almost amnesiac!’ he adds, returning to his screen porn. ‘Good job there’s always a reminder to hand.’
Promoting Dogging to Get Bums on Seats
By dint of its name, Club 18-30 has unwittingly locked itself into a sexually ageist demographic. Yet in all but name a ‘Club 31 Plus’ does exist. For the over-30’s the casual sex scene shifts itself geographically from Spanish beaches to rural UK car parks (after picnicking hours). Arguably, ‘Club 31 Plus’ might have more brand appeal than what is otherwise termed ‘dogging’. ‘Finish off that last sandwich, Petunia’ says a late-in-the-day picknicker to his partner. ‘And let’s get in the car, start humping, see who else turns up.’ Their vehicle becomes a ‘sexual aquarium’ as it were, where fellow swinging motorists are permitted to watch as well as shall we say ‘bone the fish’? The Club 18-30 company is in a very fortuitous position should it want to appropriate the out-of-town car parks as its Club 31 Plus venues. Often such parks are used in a scheme to alleviate city congestion in which the motorist parks up and is ferried into town by bus. Here, ‘Park and Ride’ as well as ‘Pay and Display’ signs are car park directives that might be co-opted as instructions for those unfamiliar with dogging etiquette. For the dogger this is about a different kind of congestion alleviation.
Pregnant Coal Merchants
What a palaeontologist might regard as the filthiest fossil happens to be also one of nature’s great predictors. Doubtful ladies, never mind the urinating over a colour-changing stick to fathom your pregnancy status – install a coal scuttle in the bathroom and see how tempted you are to snack. Otherwise get yourself on Master Chef, see how things play out when Greg and John stop by mid-prep. ‘How you cooking your gherkins then, Sheila?’ asks Greg. ‘Just raw out of a jar. I’m doing coal and gherkins, Greg.’ John looks to Greg, his face lights up. ‘Well congratulations are in order, Sheila!’ Sheila becomes flustered and emotional. ‘What? Have I won? Already?’ ‘No, no. Congrats on the baby!’ gushes John. ‘But, but… what? No, can’t be.’ ‘Well, all the signs…’ ‘But me and my husband have only just started trying.’ ‘I dunno. Who knows?’ interjects Greg. ‘What’s for pudding, Sheila?’ ‘Saveloy and spark plugs.’
The sum turtle
Imagining ourselves in the skin of a turtle (and the shell as well, if we want to get more immersively ‘turtle’) can help us understand in human terms more about what are essentially swimming tortoises. But in doing so, we must be careful not to project too much of ourselves. Too easily, we might judge, concluding that the sum total of the female turtle’s parental skills is paddling sand over its eggy offspring. As she scuttles away from the sandy grave into which she has committed her young, we overlook therefore the contribution made in terms of nurture – we might otherwise describe as ‘abandonment’. In many human societies, burial is reserved for the dead. We might wrangle over the question of whether the graveyard-maternity ward is the best start in life. Visit any family beach and we see that we humans feel it more natural to bury the patriarchs, the fathers, in the sand. Perhaps the species could be in agreement about one thing. Human parents will mentor their children. ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ they urge. The sentiment would be similar coming from turtle parents, slightly amended. ‘What doesn’t kill you,’ they would say, ‘is an inept seagull.’
Ee!
You can use an electron microscope to find all the small molecules you like, or a particle accelerator underneath Switzerland to spot a boson first spotted by a Mr Higgs. But, how overachieving is this type of high-tech gadgetry when it comes to analysing the small animal word ‘Ee!’? Contrarily, the application of low-tech intuitive thought yields reams about that oft-repeated adage of infant fauna. Note the exclamation mark. It lends the word a sense of frivolity. The punctuation itself says much about kitten or puppy attitude. Spell ‘Ee!’ backwards and it’s the same word—it’s a palindrome. Intuitive thought is underused to the extent that we actually misinterpret fundamental knowledge. Sperm and Eggs readdresses this problem in part by reassessing the role in which sperm dictates everything a man does in life; eggs, the deeds of women. We see innumerable instances where intuitive thought has benefited us. “Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight” goes the well-known saying. That rosy glow in the firmament comes as a bit of a relief to your shepherd at the end of a particularly hard day. Shepherding can easily stop being such if the corralling of sheep gets flabby and out of shape. Further, we divine water, helping us eschew fantastically resource-draining geological surveys, via the readings of a wobbly stick.
