My father’s death shattered me to my very core destroying the little bit of my sense-of-self that I had left. I became angry with life, with everyone, with myself and with my connection to the divine. My reaction surprise my family and angered my mother. It seemed everyone was disappointed in me and frustrated with me.
This simmered anger within me, anger I didn’t know what to do with. Though it rose from the outward reactions of others I turned it on myself and lashed out at God. I have kept all this simmering and seething within for all these years. I had pushed it away and pretended not to feel it. It wasn’t the grief that was tearing me apart it was the anger still here five years later.
Sister Henrita pushed me into places I hadn’t wanted to go. At first, I tried to resist but she prodded and pushed until she broke through and the door to that secret chamber opened. I struggled to hold back the tears but the buildup of pressure was ready to be released. I couldn’t contain the grief any longer.
Sitting in the meditation hall I began to cry the first real tears of grief. She left me sitting there alone with a box of tissues. Out poured the grief and then the anger seeped out.
I didn’t hear those words that were said
It couldn’t be
It wasn’t true
Disbelief overwhelmed me
Deep pain shaking through the very core of my being
My very foundation knocked from under me
Stripped of his very essence within my being
A piece of me disappeared
Left with a bag of feelings heavier then I could bare
Unexpressed anger, unexpressed pain, unexpressed loss
Heartbreak like no other
Wind through the pathway of grief
Into the darkness comes a moment of peace
My soul cries, as yours flies
Too soon, too sudden
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye
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