They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Today, I see neither as I stare at the stranger in the mirror. There is nothing beautiful about me; I really don’t know what he sees. Even the dark circles around my eyes are cavernous and empty. They show no trace of someone who lives, only of someone who exists.
No matter how hard I try, there is nothing familiar about the person I used to be. I don’t know where to find myself because I don’t know where I’ve gone.
Who am I?
As I struggle to accept my fate, these are the things I know:
I am a mother and a sister.
I am no longer a wife.
I am someone else’s lover.
He took away my heart and the life we made together. I will never recover. This time, these wounds will never heal.
“Are you sure you have to leave tonight?”
The sound of his voice transports me back to the present, where I’m standing in his robe, in his bathroom, in his home. He encircles his arms across my chest and plants little kisses on my neck.
“Can’t you stay? I’ll take you home first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Sorry, I really have to go. I want to be home to see Eddie off to school.”
He tightens his hold and I relax my body against his. “You were absolutely amazing,” he whispers gruffly into my ear. “Stay with me a little longer. I’m not done taking care of you yet.”
One day at a time.
Tonight was all about forgetting but not yet forgiving. Filling but not replacing. And emerging from the abyss of loneliness knowing that I’ve pulled farther and farther away from the light.
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