Christmas festivities of 2013 was dull, dark, and sent me right back into the deep waters of grief. That made me so angry. Christmas is my favorite holiday and time of the year. But not this year. Basically, I wanted to push “delete” and get past it. When I first got pregnant with Joseph, Christmas was also one of the very first things I thought about. Getting an ornament for him to match Lillian’s and dressing my bump up in cute holiday clothes for Christmas parties. All of that would not get to happen.
Instead of happily playing Christmas music over and over, which drove Jason and Lillian nuts, our house was silent. Decorations stared at me from boxes and there was no laughter or anticipation. Worst of all, I was completely exhausted. Nightmares, flashbacks, and anxiety found me again and I was at the verge of a mental breakdown. No way would I find the energy to hang Christmas décor, so all of the Christmas magic stayed trapped under the lids of the boxes they were stored in.
On the last day of school before Lillian’s holiday school break, I decided to do some online shopping for Christmas gifts before she came home, when I stumbled across a picture of a baby boy. He was about six months old, smiling in an ad for the Toys R Us website. He had a Santa hat on and Christmas pajamas and an adorable smile across his face. Before I could click off the picture, I snapped. I slammed my computer shut with rage and hot flashes blurred my vision. Standing up, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a mug sitting next to the sink, smashing it all over the floor. Then, as I reached for more, something felt like it grabbed my arm in midair. I turned, but no one was there. What just happened? Who grabbed me?
Even though I couldn’t see anyone, I felt it and knew I was not alone. Sinking down to the floor next to the shattered pieces of the mug, I began releasing tears, washing out the anger. My heart was still broken in hundreds of pieces, just like the mug and I didn’t know how to get it back together.
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