I just felt so filthy, really dirty. Unclean. I kept washing myself and having baths, thinking maybe I could wash it away.
It didn't happen to women, heterosexual women. Why did it happen to me? I must have done something really wrong. You don't think sensibly when you're told. I hated myself, I felt dreadful. I felt I must have deserved this, it was like it was my punishment. You hadn't been good enough in your life. It was like the wrath of God.
I was also frightened about dying – becoming ill and dying and not being able to look after my family. It was like a nightmare. You kept wanting to wake up. I felt 'this isn't real, I can't have this. I am so well and so fit and strong.' I just didn't believe it.
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