Sperm and Eggs is ‘Everything you always wanted to ask about sex but were afraid to know’. Read it and you will never look at life the same way again. Here is compelling proof that sperm and eggs are not just life’s ingredients but the cooks as well. ‘Attraction’ is the first volume in the series, Phase 1 of sperm and eggs’ agenda.
I'm a budding organic baboon farmer and fifth member of a Beatles tribute band.
I’m also a keen traveller and an adventurous eater. Consequently, I’ve been incontinent in five continents. I am a father and a swimmer, proof that the mankini supports but doesn’t restrict. Ideas-wise, I’m inspired mostly by the wit and invention of Woody Allen and Monty Python. Attaining an original voice and writing something that an audience hasn’t seen before are my aims. In my writing capacity, I was dubbed once, 'The Bard of Stratford, near Clapton.'
Best moments so far in 28 years of writing have been winning a national competition for best comedy short film and working on a sitcom idea with Andrew Gillman, director of The Day Today.
When a man is discovered by his partner studying or poring over pornography, he slams shut his laptop lid and explains urgently in a blurty ooh-ooh voice ‘I was doing research!’
He practises, rehearses endlessly for those moments when he is required to perform his conception chores, so when the time comes there is no fear of letting the side down. As the human male is required to be on standby, year round, he naturally needs to maintain a level of fitness training. However, the female partner often appears irked over why he has to tirelessly dedicate himself to what must be the most intensely researched subject, that of anatomy, with never the prospect it seems of any new developments in the field. Until recently. Anatomists now put stock in what they term ‘muscle memory’ where the muscle ‘remembers’ how to perform a constantly repeated task.
‘Look!’ men can say when his partner next stumbles upon his researching, ‘You walked in and the muscles immediately forgot what they were doing. It’s going down. I guess it’s true what they’re reporting. Out of all the body’s muscle groups, the penis muscles exhibit the poorest muscle memory. Look! - they’re almost amnesiac!’ he adds, returning to his screen porn. ‘Good job there’s always a reminder to hand.’
Sperm and Eggs (Attraction)
While humans are less prolific droppers, they are able to reproduce year round. For us, the onus is shifted from being so intensely preoccupied with sex at any one time. With more time and less pressure to consider our moves, we have a phase between being attracted to a member of the opposite sex and making an approach, a period in which we are said to have our ‘eye on someone’. In animals, this stage is almost non-existent because there is a very short lapse of time between attraction and frenzied mounting, so instead of an eye we could say such animals mark this phase at best by having a ‘gonad on something’. (Note: a gonad on ‘something’ rather than ‘someone’ as dogs, for instance, will what we term ‘dry hump’ anything ranging from a human leg to a Roman obelisk.)