I still have recollections of that man touching my body,
Touching me in places without my permission at all.
It makes me feel uneasy in my stomach every time it crosses my mind,
Some days I don’t know how to deal with it.
Now I question my sexual preference because of this,
As my genitals got erect from him touching me.
Wondering if this was normal since I liked girls as a child,
My hormones are all messed up because of the abuse for so long.
Puberty was hell for me as I was growing facial hair,
Along with my voice changing after the years of abuse.
Sleeping with one eye up so many nights knowing he was coming,
It was like he was my boogeyman hiding in my closet waiting for me.
I’d be so tired so many mornings going to school,
Being withdrawn from my friends and lacking social skills.
People just thought I was a quiet kid and I wasn’t normal,
Only thing was, I was hiding a vicious secret for years at a time.
School was a struggle for me as I couldn’t pay attention,
I was too busy zoned out thinking of the next time he’d touch my body.
Puberty came and it turned him even more aggressive and aroused,
Seeing hair on my chest, in my pelvic area, he called me a man now.
But as I got bigger, he worried I’d fight back one day,
I knew the day was coming for me and he saw it in my eyes.
That’s when he became argumentative with my mother and left,
He knew in his mind he had to skip town before I told my story.
I’ve shed more tears of guilt by not telling my parents and brother,
It’s better I said something now than to let it eat away in my mind for years.
It’s hard to hug my dad and my brothers now a days,
They know that and feel it whenever our bodies make contact.
They’re there for me as much as I need them,
They also know that it’s going to take years to get over this.
I probably will never forgive that man for what he’s done to me,
Chances are he dealt with the same thing as a child himself.
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