I’m one of the best basketball players in the state right now,
So many colleges are calling and sending me letters to my house.
It’s hard to block out all of the people in your face and in your ear,
Some days, I escape and just chill out with my phone off.
Staying off of social media is hard enough as it is,
I can’t turn on my television without my name being mentioned.
I’m like the king of the world in my town and at school,
People coming up to me that I don’t even know admiring my athletic skills.
Women throwing themselves at me all of the time,
A lot of times I just tell my friends to talk to them and deal with them.
I can’t trust many of them, they only want one thing,
To be around me and then go tell the world they know me personally.
Most people don’t know me personally, they don’t know my thoughts,
And all of the things that I struggle with constantly and daily.
It’s not even the basketball stuff that I struggle with, I can block that out,
What I can’t block out is my sexuality and who I truly am.
I’ve kissed women, had sexual relations with them and it doesn’t feel right,
I just haven’t accepted that I’m attracted to men quite yet.
Somehow, I thought I was just going through this phase,
I was never molested, sexually abused because they say that can cause it.
Granted that’s just another social and societal stigma in our lives,
Because there are men I know who have been molested and date women.
Not in a seductive way but I look at their body parts and facial features.
I don’t know when I started truly developing feelings for men,
It just started happening in my teenage years.
Those pats on the butt stimulate me when I’m on the court,
Then I started wondering if that was supposed to be happening.
I never asked anyone about it or questioned anyone about it,
I was too afraid of the answer or the backlash I’d get from asking.
My mom doesn’t even know that I am feeling this way,
Because in my culture, being gay is not accepted at all.
They try to kill you or even castrate your genitals for being gay,
So I can only imagine what my family would think or feel if I told them.
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