Authorpreneur Dashboard – Harriet Weil Hodgson
Happy Again!: Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss
Self-Help
Will I survive? Will I ever be happy again? These are questions that Harriet Hodgson asked herself after she was left to raise her twin grandchildren, while grieving for four family members, including her daughter. Harriet reminds us that we are not alone in our grief and, though losses may define our lives, they will not destroy them.
Book Bubbles from Happy Again!: Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss
When Laughter Returns
Laughter is part of being human. Thank goodness! Some people who are grieving feel guilty about laughing. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Our loved ones would want us to laugh and enjoy our lives. Several times, after four family members died in succession, some funny things happened to me, and I had some belly laughs. I was grateful for the laughter and the release it provided. More important, I was glad I could still laugh. Today, I am my husband's primary caregiver. In 2013 his aorta dissected and he had three emergency operations. During the third operation he suffered a spinal stroke. He was hospitalized for eight months and finally dismissed to my care. During this time I cleared out the house we lived in for 20 years and built a wheelchair-friendly townhome for us. We are settled and snug and laugh a lot. Laughter is part of every day at our house. This brings us closer together and is an expression of love. You may be in crisis now, facing challenges you never thought you would face, and they are nothing to laugh about. Don't give up on yourself or humor. Laughter will return and you will feel grateful for it. Each laugh is a testament to resilience and the gift of life.
Secondary Losses May be as Important as the Origin
On June 30, 2014 I became my disabled husband's caregiver. I didn't know it at the time, but this was a special moment in my life, the moment I decided to keep my pledge to my husband. That pledge: I will not fail you. As the months passed, we realized we were grieving for secondary losses: loss of a an active life, loss of friends (caregiving is isolating), and the loss of being able to do things on the spur of the moment. Since we're home most of the time, we have more remembering time, and we think of our deceased daughter. Sometimes our thoughts are sad, and sometimes they are joyful. We continue to stay in touch with our feelings and name them. Wherever you may be in your journey, this is a good idea, and keeps you on the recovery path. Day by day, you are healing.
When Life Gets "Softer"
Just as grief expert Therese A. Rando, PhD advises, I made a conscious decision to get through grief. You may have made the same decision. This isn't a one-time decision, and can be a daily decision. A few days ago I attended a chapter meeting of The Compassionate Friends. Several members of the group said their grief had become softer with time. I identified with the word "softer" because my grief has become softer in the eight years that have passed. Was I forgetting my loved ones? No, I had created a new and happy life, just what my loved ones would want me to do. Don't berate yourself is your grief has become softer. Love is forever, and our loved ones will always be in our hearts.
Life's Welcome and Unwelcome Roles
Hindsight is usually clear. This clarity helps me see the roles I have assumed in my life. Some rules, such as teaching preschool and kindergarten, were welcome. I taught school for a dozen years and loved every one. Other roles, especially a moving expert, were not as welcome. My husband and I think we have moved about 17 times, but we have lost count. I became a moving expert, a role I did not seek or want. Still, it has come in handy many times. I think we probably do a better job with welcome roles. Although we do a good job with unwelcome roles, we may grit our teeth while doing them. Life's welcome and unwelcome roles have things to teach us, and the most important is that we are capable of assuming new roles and gaining from them. I am my disabled husband's primary caregiver, a surprising role. Yet I wouldn't have it any other way. Each day I spend with my husband is a gift. "I fall in love with you every day," my husband says. His comment brings tears of joy to my eyes and makes me glad for my new role.
New Insights about Grief
As we gain more life experience, I think we gain more insights. In 2012 my husband's aorta split and he had three emergency operations. During the third one he suffered a spinal stroke that paralyzed his legs. This was a grief experience for both of us. My husband would spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair and I would spend the rest of my days as his caregiver. Suddenly, and without any warning, my life matched these points again. I could not avoid the grief of disability. Although other family members are caring for loved ones, I feel my caregiving is unique. Yes, it is hard, exhausting work. And I cannot accomplish it without help from family members and paid caregivers who come for two hours each morning. Bottom line: Happy Again! is a book about living life as best you can, and as happy as you can.
What are Your Multiple Losses?
The term "multiple losses" is used to describe several deaths in a specific span of time. In my mind, multiple losses can also include other things. When I went for a physical exam and had tests, I learned that I had two arthritic hips, something I had suspected for a long time. The x-rays confirmed my arthritic hips and the loss of the agility of youth. Although my mind comes up with plans, sometimes I am not physically capable of following them. As you heal from your loss or losses, it may be wise to consider the other losses in your life. You may have been forced to move, for example, or work fewer hours. Write these losses on paper and keep track of them. This awareness can help you cope with the changes that have come to you.
Identifying and Avoiding Toxic People
Several years ago I gave a talk to a group of widows and widowers. One of the points I made was to avoid toxic people. When I said this sentence, many people in the room nodded their heads. "You know who they are," I continued. This sentence caused about half the people in the room to nod their heads in agreement. Most of us know some toxic people--ones who always have bad news and never any good news. Their attitude can ruin a party in minutes. How can you steer clear of these people? You can cut the conversation short, for one thing. You can change the topic of the conversation. You can say you have an appointment and not talk to them at all. Another option is to declare, "I'm sorry for your troubles, but would like to talk about happy things today." You may list some of the happy things in your life. Your honesty may change the toxic person's outlook for a few minutes. I'm keeping a happiness jar filled with notes about happy experiences in a day. It is a rewarding experience and one I would recommend. The upbeat, optimistic people in my life always lift me up and I am grateful for them.
Writing and its Link to Grief Healing
In 2013 my husband's aorta dissected and he was bleeding to death. I drove him to the hospital emergency department, and we arrived just in time. Surgeons operated on him three times in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. During the last operation he had a spinal stroke and it paralyzed his legs. After being hospitalized for eight months my husband as released to my care. And I am grieving. I grieve for the active, healthy husband I once had, the fly fisherman, the traveler, and my walking buddy. I grieve for the three-level house we used to have, a place of happiness and coziness. As I have done before, I turned to writing for comfort and information. Two books for family caregivers came from this decision. You don't have to be a freelancer like me to benefit fro writing. Just write. Put your thoughts and concerns in a diary, journal, stories, poetry--whatever works for you. Over time, I think you will see the benefits of writing and there are many. Problems you didn't see before may appear before your eyes. More important solutions to these problems may also appear. Writing your way through the darkness of grief can help you heal. Start writing today!
Be Aware of tThe Changing Roles in Your Life
Because I am the age I am, I have many established roles: wife, mother, grandmother, writer, speaker, and community volunteer. Each of these roles has sub-roles and they can involve lots of detail work. When I look back at my life, I see one of my earlier roles was to be a good mother to our daughters. As the years passed this role changed to being a good caregiver and guardian to my twin grandchildren. Now I have a new role, to be the best caregiver I can be for my disabled husband. I think we need to be aware of the changing roles that come to us in life, examine these roles, and decide what we need to do. Some roles will remain, of course. Though my elder daughter is deceased, this doesn't change the fact that I am her mother. Have you checked your life roles lately? Knowing established roles and new roles will help you carry them out to the best of your ability. Some roles may surprise you.
I am Grateful for my Friends
When four of my family members died in 2007 my friends rallied to help me. They stayed in touch via email. They called me. They delivered gifts. But the most important gift I received from them was the gift of listening. One friend, who was familiar with grief, asked me questions that prompted answers. Though I was tempted to give one-word answers, her questions were so insightful I wanted to answer them. Before I knew it, we were in a discussion about losing loved ones and recovering from loss. Today, when I meet someone who is in crisis, grieving for a loved one, or who has just received awful news, I give them the gift of listening. It truly is a gift and helps the other person face their feelings, name them, and sort them. Have you given the gift of listening recently?
Rechecking a Support System
The death of one family member is an assault, but the deaths of four family members almost knocked me flat. I had a support system, but hadn't checked it in a while. Relatives and friends had moved away and I felt alone. I wasn't alone however, and have a loving husband and stay in touch with relatives via email. Still, it became clear that I needed more support, and this led me to online support communities, the Open to Hope Foundation and The Grief Toolbox. Both are reliable and fonts of information. If you're grieving now, I hope you'll check them out.
